Monday, May 14, 2007

Ella bhrame!

First thing I know, somebody will be very happy with the title of this post! Lei chappar...!

This is about a state of mind where you feel Nothingness in the middle of Everything. This has become a cliche with most folks passing through this part of the town often. And dont read on if you're expecting anything different. Dont get me wrong; I'm NOT complaining; I'm allright.

The best part is it's nobody's fault. You feel everything hurts. Everyone hurts. You're in the middle of an empty swimming pool, and water starts pumping at you from all directions. Can you escape? Where? You've got to face it. Only thing you can do is later on, when you come out of it at some point, with someone's help, is to think why did you get there in the first place. Was it by choice? Or did someone push you? Did you push yourself? Most likely, it's the latter. But why did you push yourself so hard? Were you chasing something? Did you believe you could get it? Or was it...err, bhrame?

Travelling is something I love, I guess I've enough company. People are willing to save their money to travel with me around the World when I retire. Or earlier. But there are several evenings when I find no one who could go with me for a coffee next door. Again, it's no one's fault. Argh, the fingers point to me once more. Why am I trying to blame others? It's alright that people dont always speak sweet to you, none of us do. So why do you blame others if they hurt you? Am I the dog they show on TV which is going in circles trying to catch it's own tail? Hmmm. All I can see now is a lot of question marks, instead of periods. Is that a problem? Or am I on my way to cracking something so dark, that it can't get any darker, and that I ought to find light sooner than later? Or, is it...err, bhrame?

Should I now try to find a solution? Do we know for sure this is a problem, not part of a bigger solution? I think I'll go with the flow. Which I've always done for things big and small - I've foolishly and blindly followed my guts, or what other prefer to call "instincts". Which makes me a sadist, because I know I've broken a sweet girl's heart - for as silly a reason as my gut-feeling. When is it that I'll get to say, 'you've got the vibe I need, baby!' Very soon, I prefer to think. Something I've learnt the hard way is that it's tough to say "No" to someone who you know adores you. Ahh, God bless her. Please.

Can you continue to Wish for something - something that you wanted so much more than anything else, and it's right in front of you, and still you suffer with the knowledge that you can't get it? Is it right to wish for such a thing which you know you can't get? Should you cross the bridge and cut it so your sufferings will stop once for all? Is it an act of running away? But I dont understand one thing. Why should you mess around so much for something you never had, which you will never have? Looks like my head is bossing around my poor battered heart. All said and done, the easiest thing still is - to run away!

For me, all this sometimes feels like bhrame - an Eternal Illusion. But for my heart and soul, they are real. They both feel these things day in and day out. Even in my sleep. And they try to convince me, console me and most of all, give me Hope - through many of my dreams. I can't, and I will refuse to believe or think that all I said so far can be dismissed as bhrame. There are many things I hear, feel, see which Inspire me - almost every other moment I'm not thinking about the above things. That's how I'll continue to Live on. I'll continue to dream. Who knows, some day or night, something might wake me up - and I'll still find the dreams to be a beautiful reality yet. Then, I'm sure, I'll have tears of joy in my eyes.

Things that inspire me can be as simple as a tiny kid on TV singing a beautiful song, and enjoying it more than anyone else. Or a guy giving up his seat for an old lady in a bus.

Meanwhile, imagine a slow-motion song, the hero following the heroine amidst huge crowd, singing a slow melodious track...the opening track from Venki's Adavari Matalaku Ardhale Verule (Telugu movie)...if you can, get help with the some of the lyrics below.

Yemaindi ee vela...
Edalo ee sandadela...
Mila mila mila megha maala...

...Vaana lona intha daaham...

Chilipi kanulu thaalamesey...
Manasu virisi paata paadey...
Thanuvu marichi aatalaadey...

Kanula edute kalaganeecha...
Kalalu nijamai jagamu maricha...
Modati saari merupu choosa...
Kadali laagey urakalesa...

And then the inspiring one-liner from the title-track of Aata (another Telugu movie)...
...aata...aata...saadhinche satta unte...samaram oka sye-aata (sung well by Shankar Mahadevan).
Post a Comment